


If Buff Bois Could Love

by AnnabethBlack



Category: Drawfee RPF
Genre: Bad dates, F/M, One Shot, Par'oxah, Paul Blart cameo, Tough n Buff, We're sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 05:12:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12358197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnabethBlack/pseuds/AnnabethBlack
Summary: Paragon Hank falls in love with the legendary Rah’oxah when spotting her across the gym floor.Can this epitome of physical fitness stop tripping over himself to woo her?Or will he just keep putting his foot in his mouth?Find out in: If Buff Bois Could Love.





	If Buff Bois Could Love

Paragon Hank had never thought he was one to find love. His commitment to being a health guru-slash-God was just too great. It was his destiny to transform all the miserable fat nerds of the world into just the buffest versions of themselves that they could be. Nothing would stand in the way of his goal. Not Caldwell, not Nathan, not love.

Or so he thought.

But then he saw _her_. An Eladrin so beautiful, so strong, that Paragon Hank began to have doubts. As he spied her across the gym floor his heart slowed to a dangerously sluggish pace. It was as though time had stood still. Nothing existed but her. He didn’t want anything else to exist but her. She was stunning, all sharp angles and that expression! Her apathetic look just took his breath away.

In a panic over his biological reaction, Hank immediately dropped to the floor to do twenty push-ups to get his blood flowing again. No way was he going to let the sight of the most amazing woman in the Drawfee-verse cause his super slick and oily physique bloat out like an overripe fruit. As he dipped back and forth towards the ground, Paragon Hank’s mind wandered far away from his exercise regimen to the locker room where he imagined winding the boxers’ tape around his crush’s bloody fists. The daydream caused such a strong reaction within him that Paragon Hank had to do another twenty press ups before he found himself able to stand again _sans_ _embarrassment_.

Paragon Hank didn’t know what to do. The only love he had ever known was first for food and then for fitness. Not that he would ever admit it but his lust was just an unhealthy emotion. He was constantly filled with this greed and drive to be the most of what he could be. When Paragon Hank wanted something he was consumed by it. Now all he wanted was her but it went against his every fitness principle. Love was for weak nerds. He didn’t have time for love but he wanted to make time for _her_.

There was only one person who would be able to help Paragon Hank and he knew it: Swole Steven.

Swole Steven was the founder of the Drawfee-verse’s gym: The Hench Bench. Having established the gym over two-hundred years prior, Swole Steven would have been the Yoda to Paragon Hank’s Luke Skywalker if that wasn’t such a nerdy comparison to make. Much like Paragon Hank, Swole Steve was just pure muscle but unlike his protégée, Swole Steven was eight-hundred pounds of it. Just an insurmountable mass of pure muscle. How the two-hundred year old kept so buff was a closely guarded secret however it was common knowledge that the gym’s owner was literally so swole that death cannot touch him. It was for these reasons Paragon Hank sought Swole Steve’s council: he was old, wise, and buff as hell. He would know exactly what to do.

Swole Steve was in his office, reading the numbers off of an ancient computer screen through itty-bitty reading spectacles that were nearly crushed beneath his rapidly tensing forehead muscle.

“Gotta flex those brain muscles Hank. Remember that in your training.” Swole Steve grumbled, not even looking up as Hank stepped in.

“Of course. That’s why I read advanced tenth-grade algebra in between my MMA fights.” Paragon Hank replied whilst respectfully as all buff men do to those superior in henchness to themselves.

“Good.” Swole Steve sniffed, turning away from his computer to look at Paragon Hank.

The thing about buff men is that they are undeniably kindred spirits. This link between buffness allows buff men to often converse without speech, a handy tool as sometimes their concerns would be deemed sissy and weak. For example, asking for help was a sign of extreme weakness unless it was specifically used in the phrase “can you help me teach this punk a lesson?” It was for this reason that Paragon Hank kept quiet and kind of tilted his head to the side. It was a silent ask for “advice” that could not be mocked by anyone but Swole Steven.

“Paragon Hank, the heart is a muscle too. You must exercise it by opening it up to others and stretching its capacity. Why rep alone when you can do double the workouts with a partner at your side?” Swole Steven leaned back slightly in his reinforced chair, causing the backboard to crack under the strain of his infinite muscles.

“It won’t make me weak?” Paragon Hank’s voice cracked in a rare display of vulnerability.

“You doubt me?” Swole Steven raised a single eyebrow, causing a blood vessel to burst and seep into his eyeball. Neither man acknowledge this or displayed concern. In fact, Swole Steven hadn’t even flinched.

 “You’re right. Of course.” Paragon Hank felt tense all over, like all of his muscles had been stretched tight. This might have been what he wanted to hear but the words themselves were not as comforting as he had hoped.

With another respectful nod, Paragon Hank returned to the gym floor. Scanning the room oh so casually, his heart dropped in to his stomach when his lady love was nowhere to be found. Less casual now, he began to move swiftly around the machines and the other beings, searching for some sign of her. Hope leaked from his faster than sweat. How had he lost her already? They had barely met!

And then everything just fell in to place. His eyes fell on the tough temptress and all of the stress washed away. She was coming out of the bathrooms, winding that seductive roll of tape around her knuckles once more. She looked so hot in workout clothes: a loose white tank top that concealed her figure and mid-length black gym shorts definitely from the men’s section. Clearly she wasn’t a floozy trying to distract the male eye from their routines. She was there for the thrill of physical fitness and Paragon Hank loved it.

“HI!” Paragon Hank kind of side stepped in front of his lady crush and nearly screamed in her face, he was so excited and nervous and just naturally loud.

“Uh, hi.” She did not look at all impressed. This was bad.

“I’m Paragon Hank,” Paragon Hank tried desperately to play it cool. “What’s your name?”

“Rah’oxah.” Short and to the point. This girl was everything Paragon Hank had ever dreamed of in a woman.

“A strong name for a strong woman. I like it.” Paragon Hank attempted a compliment.

Rah’oxah raised an eyebrow but said nothing, unnerving Paragon Hank even more.

“I, um, you are an amazing specimen and, uh…” Paragon Hank fumbled over his words, only embarrassing himself more.

“Specimen?” Rah’oxah repeated the word with clear distain.

“Person. Woman,” Paragon Hank paused and drooped his head. “Look, I’m sorry. I am just an incredibly buff guy trying to ask an equally tough chick out on a date.”

“No thanks.” Rah’oxah said bluntly.

In his shock of rejection, Paragon Hank found himself paralyzed. Indifferent to the blubbering muscle mass in front of her, Rah’oxah stepped around Paragon Hank to head towards the boxing ring. Paragon Hank managed to regain control of himself just in time to watch as Rah’oxah started sparring with a short green goblin. She was quick and accurate with her jabs, graceful in technique but there didn’t seem to be much power behind her fists. It gave Paragon Hank an idea.

Stumbling over himself, Paragon Hank raced to the edge of the ring. Flipping over the ropes in a magnificent display of dexterity and flexibility, Paragon Hank landed on his feet in front of the little goblin just in time to catch Rah’oxah’s incoming jab.

“My name is Paragon Hank. I am the author of four books, the creator the Krill-Only diet, and the peak of the male physical form. I value my health above all things which is why I participate in three MMA fights per day. I would like to take you out to dinner and you rejected me _but_ if I beat you in a fair fight will you change your mind?” Paragon Hank spoke really fast, making sure to really sell himself as well as place a challenge in there for his crush. Surely she would respect the sanctity of a fight and his display of manliness might even win her over a bit.

Rah’oxah looked Paragon Hank up and down. There was no way for him to know what was going on in her mind which made her seem more mysterious and out of reach and made him only want her more.

“Fine.” Rah’oxah shrugged.

Paragon Hank swept the little green trainer out of the ring without even looking, not wanting anyone to come to harm with what would probably be a quick and easy fight to win.

“No pads?” Rah’oxah asked, cocking her head to the side as she fell back into her boxing stance.

“Don’t need ‘em.” Paragon Hank replied cockily, a grin spreading across his face.

Rah’oxah’s eyes narrowed but the corner of her mouth twitched into a brief smile.

“Your mistake.” Rah’oxah’s voice hit an almost gleeful tone, throwing Paragon Hank off.

Before he could blink, Rah’oxah had thrown herself forward, coming in for the first jab. Her sharp fist collided with the side of his jaw, throwing Paragon Hank back at least five feet. Pain burst through his skin as a bruise blossomed beneath her touch. Clearly he had underestimated her abilities. Thinking fast, Paragon Hank pushed Rah’oxah back with his tail so prevent a second strike. As she stumbled he slipped a fin underneath her feet and with a single flex launched her up in to the air only to bat her back down with a muscular hand.

“I thought you said this was a fair fight?” Rah’oxah panted, getting back to her feet as Paragon Hank did the same.

“I thought you were weaker. Buff guys fight dirty against strong opponents.” Paragon Hank shrugged.

“Fair enough.” Rah’oxah cracked her neck and then began to start swinging again.

 

“You know, I really thought you were going to beat me.” Paragon Hank admitted.

He and Rah’oxah was sat down in some snazzy restaurant with a French sounding name. It looked expensive and krill was definitely on the menu so it was only fair he treated his prize to the best meal in town.

“Me too.” Rah’oxah replied, seeming vaguely amused.

“So tell me a bit more about yourself,” Paragon Hank prompted as Rah’oxah crunched down on a breadstick. “That pauldron of yours looks really cool.”

Paragon Hank gestured towards the cow skull perched on Rah’oxah’s shoulder. As he did so Paragon Hank could have sworn the eye sockets narrowed a bit at him. There was also a low growling sound that Paragon Hank sorely hoped was the stomach of one of his fellow diners. Rah’oxah stroked the pauldron’s snout absentmindedly with her free hand, still crunching loudly on the breadstick.

“His name is Demon Johnny and I love him.” Rah’oxah said defensively, stroking Demon Johnny’s snout absentmindedly with her breadstick-free hand.

“It- _he_ looks cool. Where did you get him?” Paragon Hank did his best to humour Rah’oxah. He didn’t want to embarrass her and to be totally honest the pauldron, or Demon Johnny as she called it, was really freaking him out.

“College.” Rah’oxah shrugged. She didn’t seem to be particularly inclined to helping the conversation but Paragon Hank was not going to let that get him down.

“So over the summer I was on vacation punching a mountain one centimetre to the left. I haven’t been credited for it yet but-”

Paragon Hank was cut off as a Halfling waitress sauntered up to table. She could barely see over the table cloth and seemed to be staring intently at Rah’oxah who simply ignored her in return. As the waitress was distracted and silent, Paragon Hank began to get impatient. There was no need for her to be making eyes at his date instead of taking their orders.

“ _Ahem_.” Paragon Hank cleared his throat.

“Good evening fair diners, my name is Legzi and I will be your waitress this evening. Are you ready to order?” Legzi was so bubbly and friendly in her demeanour, or at least she would have been if she was smiling at the pair of them rather than just Rah’oxah.

“Yes, I will have a gallon sized bowl of krill. Don’t bother the chef about the whale baleen facemask, I brought my own.” Paragon Hank said in a way that sounded like he was doing everyone a favour but both Legzi and Rah’oxah showed signs of being grossed out more than thankful.

“And for the _lady_?” Legzi smirked, causing Paragon Hank to furrow his brow.

“Soup.” Rah’oxah’s jaw clenched and unclenched.

“Which one?” Legzi side-eyed her friend but Rah’oxah was having none of it.

“Soup of the day or the special or whatever. I don’t care.” Rah’oxah shrugged.

“Wonderful. The wine steward will be along shortly with her recommendations.” Legzi beamed, snatching their menus off of the table.

Normally Paragon Hank would have thanked his waitress but something seemed off about her so he followed Rah’oxah’s lead and ignored her until she was out of earshot.

“Did you see the way she looked at you? What was all that about?” Paragon Hank tried changing avenue of conversation. Perhaps playing to Rah’oxah’s distain of waiting staff might get her to open up more.

“It’s rude to stare. It’s also rude to talk about people behind their backs.” Rah’oxah pointed out, taking a sip of water.

“You’re right, you’re right,” Paragon Hank quickly backtracked. “So where was I? Oh yes, the mountains. So anyway, I-”

“Good evening sir, madam. My name is Ryjinah and I am the resident wine steward here with a couple of pairing suggestions for your meal this evening.” A taller, curvier waitress with unprofessional blue lipstick and an attractive sneer seemed to pop up out of nowhere.

“Thank you but we’re good,” Paragon Hank tried to dismiss her but Rah’oxah held her hand up to stop Ryjinah from leaving.

“I’ll have a bottle of your strongest wine thank you.”

“As you wish.” Ryjinah winked and then sauntered off.

“Are women always this attracted to you?” Paragon Hank asked, leaning in because he felt uncomfortable asking.

“There’s nothing wrong with girls being attracted to other girls.” Rah’oxah replied stoically.

“Of course not. Of course not.” Paragon Hank leaned back in his chair and ran a nervous hand over his shimmering bald head.

The pair sat in awkward silence for a moment, Paragon Hank straightening up his silverware while Rah’oxah stared in to space. The silence might have been a comfortable one but every now and then Paragon Hank would catch sight of Demon Johnny who, despite being an inanimate cow skull turned pauldron, seemed to be leering at him from across the table.

“I wish this place had faster service,” Paragon Hank tried a third time to start a conversation with his dinner date. “You know I always say if you’re not making gains then you’re dying.”

“Oh really?” Rah’oxah raised an eyebrow.

“Really. Krill is the best thing for your diet. Why do you think whales are so swole?” Paragon Hank felt himself start to get in to a rhythm, causing him to reveal just two massive rows of white teeth.

“I have no idea.” Rah’oxah seemed vaguely amused but Paragon Hank didn’t care. He was in his element.

“Yeah, krill is so good for you. In my book _Krill or Be Krilled_ I talk about all of the mad health benefits to eating krill. The only downside is that you one-thousand percent have to eat it using a mask of whale teeth. You’ll see mine when the main course comes out. I defeated the whale in an MMA fight

and plucked his teeth out as a prize myself.” Paragon Hank beamed, sure this would impress Rah’oxah.

“That’s… disgusting.” Rah’oxah didn’t change her stoic expression one bit.

“The taste of the krill can be disgusting at first but the health benefits are-” Paragon Hank was cut off by a loud crash.

Both he and Rah’oxah looked over to see that Legzi had crashed into the dessert cart, causing soup and krill to fly everywhere. Ryjinah was already next to the Halfling girl, helping her clean up the mess. Paragon Hank glanced at Rah’oxah and saw concern flicker across her face. Their waitress didn’t appear to be hurt though so Paragon Hank wrongly assumed his date was upset over the extended wait for their food.

“I understand the need for diversity hires but letting a Halfling waitress when it’s so dangerous to her is just cruel.”

Rah’oxah snapped around to look at Paragon Hank with flaming eyes.

“What did you just say?” She spat, glaring at Paragon Hank.

“I’m just saying, she’s not tall enough to see where she’s going. If she were to follow my fitness routine though-” Paragon Hank was not entirely oblivious to Rah’oxah’s clear rage but he felt the need to justify himself.

Rah’oxah, however, was not amused. She rose up out of her seat and kicked the table out from between her and Paragon Hank.

“That Halfling happens to be one of my best friends. I knew you were an arrogant asshole but this takes the cake.” Rah’oxah was seething with anger, prowling towards Paragon Hank like he was her prey.

Eyes wide, Paragon Hank tipped backwards in his seat trying to put some distance between himself and this sudden nightmare.

“Thinking about cake is bad for your body.” He choked out, not knowing what else to say.

“I don’t care. You’re rude and delusional and not as buff as you think you are.” Rah’oxah hit him where it hurt, causing Paragon Hank to whimper.

“I’m sorry. We just got off on the wrong foot!” Paragon Hank apologised but it was too late for him.

“My boyfriend is going to have to teach you a lesson.” Rah’oxah decided, picking Paragon Hank up but the scruff of his neck.

“You have a boyfriend?” Paragon Hank practically yelled, more upset with this revelation than he was fearful of the alleged boyfriend.

“Yes and his name is Demon Johnny.” Rah’oxah nodded towards Demon Johnny.

On command, her boyfriend opened his mouth wide and began to suck air in to his mouth. Napkins, spoons, glasses, and all sorts began to fly in to his gullet. Paragon Hank felt himself being sucked in alongside and had to duck as a chair whizzed past his ear.

“You brought your boyfriend on a date with you? What the f-?” Paragon Hank began to call Rah’oxah out but she had already let go of him.

In a huge gulp, Paragon Hank was swallowed whole by Demon Johnny. The latter promptly closed his mouth as he swallowed, burping classily after. The diners in the restaurant all stared at Rah’oxah fearfully but Demon Johnny’s mouth remained closed. Nobody moved. Everyone stayed still in the chaotic mess that had just ravaged the restaurant. Then, from Ryjinah’s pocket came a muffled laugh.

“Paragon Hank? More like Paragon _Skank_ because his breath smelt like Krill!”

“Jonathan, shut up!” Ryjinah hissed.

“But I’ve got another one!” Jonathan protested. “Paragon Hank? More like Paragon _Plank_ because he wasn’t very smart, was he?”

“That one wasn’t even funny.” Ryjinah growled, pushing the bone staff further in to her pocket.

There was still silence from the surrounding diners. Bored of the standoff, Rah’oxah strode over to Legzi and picked her up in one quick swoop. Tucking her under one arm, Rah’oxah flicked a bit of krill out of the Halfling’s hair and then nodded at Ryjinah to follow her. The three members of the Ladies’ Book Club sauntered silently out of the restaurant, leaving the devastation of Rah’oxah’s date to be cleaned up by someone else.

“Wait, wait, one last one,” Jonathan piped up as they exited the building. “Paragon Hank? More like Paragon _No Thank You_ because she didn’t want to date him.”

“Jonathan, stop.” Ryjinah warned him but Rah’oxah smiled briefly so Jonathan knew he was in the clear.

 

Inside Demon Johnny Hank floated around in the nothingness with his new compadre Paul Blart.

“So there’s no krill in here. Just subway sandwiches?” Paragon Hank asked, appalled by the news.

Paul Blart did not speak, he just nodded and carried on munching on his turkey sub. Paragon Hank turned his nose up at the foot-long meatball monstrosity floating three inches from his face.

“You know, if you’re really going to eat this garbage then you should at least start reading my book _The Unlock Codes for Your Immortal Form_ so at least you don’t die of a heart attack.” Paragon Hank sniffed, side-eyeing Paul Blart’s chunky figure.

Paul Blart didn’t acknowledge Paragon Hank in the least. He was too content chowing down on his turkey sub. Uncomfortable with the silence, Paragon Hank tried a different approach.

“Hey, want to watch me do a million push ups?”

Paul Blart rolled his eyes and gave Paragon Hank a look as if he had stared directly in to his soul.

“No.”


End file.
